Can a Narcissist Change? Answering 5 Common Questions About Narcissists

This excerpt from Erin Leonard’s How to Outsmart a Narcissist answers some frequently asked questions around the nature of narcissism, such as whether narcissists believe their own lies and how they interact with others, especially children.

Does a narcissist believe their own lies?

“In my expert opinion, a narcissist is unaware of their unconscious defense mechanisms, but (outside of splitting) is aware of their actions. The narcissist changes events around in their mind to justify deplorable behaviors.”

Is it okay to vilify a narcissist if they are not aware of what they are doing?

“It is nearly impossible to try to hold a narcissist accountable. If their back is completely against the wall, they may apologize, but it is usually only lip service. The majority of the time, the narcissist will deny that they did anything wrong. It is their word against yours, and a narcissist is very good at lying. It is best to set boundaries and move past them. Life will inevitably hold them accountable. Give that job to the universe and move forward with your own life. It will be amazing.”

Can a narcissist change?

“In my experience, a narcissist is able to change only if they are highly motivated. Because a narcissist is gifted at blaming other people, they are rarely inspired to change. If they are committed to improving, it is imperative that they learn about cognitive distortions and defense mechanisms. The narcissist may be able to gain an intellectual understanding of their destructive tendencies and modify them, but they may not be able to feel true empathy or emotional attunement. Cognitive empathy, or an intellectual understanding and communication of the words
that represent empathy, may be possible, just less helpful than the real thing.”

How can a person help the narcissist in their life?

“A person can support a narcissist with encouragement and love but working harder than the narcissist at their own mental health may end in heartache. Even though you want to help them more than anything in the world, it won’t help if they do not want it as badly. They must want it for themselves.”

Is a narcissist safe with children?

“A narcissist is safe with children as long as they have three roles: having fun with the child, taking care of anything that does not involve emotions, and being the hero. If the narcissistic parent can stick to those three jobs and allow the healthy parent to do the rest, they can be a fine parent. However, a narcissist’s lack of empathy, need for absolute
control, their belief that they are always right, know best, and tendency to shame a child for expressing any feeling that they do not like may make them emotionally unsafe. Moreover, their jealousy of the EI parent may drive them to disparage that parent to the child.”

Dr. Erin Leonard has been a practicing psychotherapist for 18 years. Currently, she practices in Indiana with Dr. Sonego and Associates. During her time at Children’s Memorial Medical Center, she was awarded the Shaw Research Award.

How to Outsmart a Narcissist

It might be surprising to learn that the emotional qualities that allow you to remain close to others, empathize, collaborate, compromise, perspective-take, and easily resolve conflict, in most healthy relationships, can actually backfire with a narcissist.

Why? Because you see the good. You trust. You empathize. These emotionally intelligent attributes keep you connected to others and help you resolve conflict amicably and maintain healthy relationships.

Filled with relatable stories, emotionally intelligent solutions, and practical advice to help you outsmart the narcissist in your life, this is your guide to finally finding peace from their chaos.

Discover the book here.